Reverse prank calling

If you have the blahs, try making a few reverse prank calls. It can perk you right up to wield the power of raining unpredictable pleasantness down on people's poor tired heads.

Here's how it works.

1. List three businesses that a) you frequented in the past 7 days, b) provided even adequate customer service, and c) provided a product or service you needed.
   
2. Look up the phone numbers of these businesses.
   
3. Call and ask to speak to a manager of the department that served you. If a manager is unavailable, speak to whoever answered the phone. (Tip: If it's the kind of business where there are peak hours, like a restaurant, don't call during those.)
   
4. Tell the manager when you were there and why you were there -- and then tell them that the purpose of your call is to let them know that they did a fantastic job serving you! Whatever was good about them, play it up! If the store was clean, call it inviting! If the cashier made correct change, why, that's efficiency! If anyone made eye contact and smiled, tell the manager how friendly they were and that it made your day! Tell them you just wanted to say thanks and keep up the good work! Then say a cheery goodbye and see you next time!

Ha! People aren't ready to be told they did a good job -- nobody expects it, especially if they weren't going above and beyond, but just doing their basic adequate work in a friendly manner without complaint. Praise will rock their world! You will totally mess with someone's whole day by making it better!

Graduate-level reverse prank calling: let the next telemarketer who's articulate and not rude give you the full spiel. Say no, but then say you want to spend a minute telling them what a good job they did presenting the information and what a remarkable, listenable, friendly voice they have, and how you are sure that with those skills, they are going to go far in all the opportunities in life that present themselves. Tell them they are an asset to their company and that you hope their boss knows it.

You may have to tell them no again. But it's worth it. Reverse prank-calling: see what happens.

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Wearing my heart on my sleeve

So I'm finding ways to preserve my fond memories other than hanging onto unused objects. One way is to create a digital library of objects that help me recall times and places.

For instance, I took this picture of my LC Smith manual typewriter about two years ago. The typewriter, on which I never typed anything, sat in the basement for years.

I wouldn't part with it because (a) a dear friend had given it to me as an impulse purchase in an antique store, (b) I once loved writing on manual typewriters and still love the memory of doing so.

I was given my first manual typewriter when I was eight. I kept the LC Smith to remember pleasures no longer at my fingertips: the greased slip of ribbon, the clack and snap of keys, all those tiny silver levers that controlled the minutiae of document formatting.

And here it is again, reborn as one of the pieces of jewelry that local artist Jane Hosey Stern will create from it. Here's the bracelet that she made for me:

I picked the word "Quiet" and Jane chose the three keys on either side, resulting in the truly wonderful and apt typographic joke of following the word "quiet" with the shift lock and double quote.

Why "quiet"? It works for lots of reasons. One of them: It has always been true that when the typewriter is noisiest, the noise inside my head is most quiet. And then I feel whole.

Oh, it's a lot for one little bracelet to carry, isn't it?

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Memory banking

I'm a pack rat because I'm afraid of losing my memories. Objects and scraps of paper are time machines. No. They turn me into a time machine. I touch them and am peopled, am an atlas of places down to the last blade of grass, am shivering with textures and smells and with the person I was when this bit of matter mattered to me.

I have invested things with myself, which directly contradicts my wish not to invest my life in things.

When my sister died, some of my saddest moments were sorting through the things that she had kept that were no longer of any use to anyone.

So here's my new project -- making a digital archive of:

• the useful things I've kept and do not use, before I give them away
• things that have outlived their use but recall fond memories, before I give or throw them away

It's a slow project, and note -- the things I keep because they make me happy, those have a use.

On a sunny Saturday in Italy, June 1988, my new friend Luisa climbed to the top shelves of her father's toy warehouse and asked our group to call out the animal we would most want to be. "Black panther," I said. I did not know it was on the shelf. She carried it down to me and touched my face. "I also," she said. This black panther knapsack is now in the arms of a child in foster care, thanks to Give What You Got.org.







Some happy slogs in these canvas shoes, from college town streets to the back yard garden to Goleta Beach.

They're in a landfill now outside Santa Barbara.










Finally, four things that make me happy: A quilt that my great-grandmother made. A pillow that my mother embroidered for me. The doll blanket I've had since I was three and upon which the cat Daisy now sleeps while I write. The pink and tan afghan that Adrian crocheted.


And underneath, a fifth thing: the futon that Nitin and I bought the summer of his B-school internship in Saginaw. Daisy was a kitten then and slept with him, and they commuted together to Ann Arbor on the weekends.

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Home remedy

The combination of heat, sweet, and tartness in this recipe has its checks and balances -- each flavor can be disagreeable on its own, but is enhanced by the other two.

I learned this sore throat remedy from my Aunt Mickey, who got it from her daughter Maritha, rest in peace her colorful stories, witty patience, enormous vocabulary, and even larger heart.

Two things recommend this concoction: first, it works. It soothes a sore throat. Second, while you wouldn't serve it to guests on the rocks, it's strangely not unpalatable, and unlike cough syrup, doesn't have a strong aftertaste.

So. First, get yourself a big glass of water.

In a separate, smaller glass, pour a quarter cup of apple cider vinegar. Add four strong dashes of hot sauce. Next, stir in a big spoonful of honey. Leave some of the honey on the spoon. Stir and sip the drink out of the spoon.

Now, drink your water. And let your poor sore throat thank you.

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A stripper's trick

You never know which way this is going to dodge, do you?

It's a makeup tip. Are you kidding? This is tame enough for Seventeen Magazine. I just learned it from a dear friend who stripped professionally. Her signature song was Aerosmith's "Rag Doll." She also gave me my first and only diamond jewelry, a pendant in the shape of a heart. Leaning down from her 5'11" height, she draped its teeny gold chain around my neck and purred, "Every beautiful woman should own diamonds."

Here's her tip. For inexpensive, long-staying lipstick that also makes your lips look plumper, put on your lipstick, then put gold eyeshadow on your lips. Wet your lips. There you go! Shimmery and staying. (Pouty lip tip: Go heavier with the eyeshadow on the center of the lower lip.)

If I ever make-and-do the other project my friend suggested - sequined thongs - ("dancers want to throw those twenties back at something pretty") - I'll post a picture.

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Nobody is in my shoe today

But this is a good tip anyway. I didn't make it up. One of the strongest and most fun women I've ever known told it to me.

Sometime you may find that an unpleasant person has worked a path into your brain. You may find yourself thinking about the person, about what they have done to you, about how you would have responded had you only thought of it. You may allow this person to cause you stress, though they are long gone and you have no way to resolve your conflict.

Don't let them hang out in your brain. Move them into your shoe.

Write their name on a slip of paper, fold it, and put it in the heel of your shoe. And when thinking of the person makes you feel bad, give them a good press and turn of the heel. And let them go out of your brain and heart.

Would this work with other stressful thoughts that we replay in our heads? Worth a try.

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When is a door not a door

OK, I just heard a thousand six-year-olds in my head scream, "When it's ajar!"

No, no! The correct answer is: when it's a whiteboard.

This is the door to the attic, which is in my study. It was painted with Rustoleum's new dry erase paint. So you too can have a giant whiteboard! You have to mix a powder and a liquid together to make the magic happen. Prep the surface, paint immediately, wait 20 minutes, apply another coat, wait another 20, apply another coat. Leave it for 3 days to cure.

I'd be more detailed, but I watched approximately, um, none of this process. The intrepid N. did the taping off, mixing, and painting behind closed doors to avoid the misfortune of turning the dog's nose or the cat's tail into a dry erase surface.

His only consumer comment afterward is that the paint looks a little "droopy." He plans to take his and my new whiteboards off their hinges in the spring, lay them flat, sand the surface lightly, and try another coat to get a smoother finish. Fantastic, yeah?

p.s. I never knew until today that the title of Magritte's painting of the pipe is "The Treason of Images." See more Magritte giant apples, big orange head guys, and random red birds here and here.

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Vegetarian Pizza Rolls

I thought I'd make these for Project Runway night over at Courtney's house. But since it's just going to be me and Court, we're ordering Chinese instead.

To make them, you'll need:

• About 3/4 cup pasta sauce
• About 1 1/4 cups sauted, diced mushrooms, green peppers - you know, basic pizza veggies
• A handful of shredded cheese
• If you want, some soy-based burger crumbles or vegetarian pepperoni (buy it wherever your grocery stocks the tofu, or make your own)
• Egg roll wrappers

To make 6 egg rolls, you'll need about 2 cups of filling, so measure your ingredients accordingly. (Some people like more mushrooms, some more sauce...)

Preheat your oven to 425 degrees. Saute the vegetables until they start to soften. Take the pan off the heat and stir in the sauce and the veggie pepperoni. Let this cool enough so that the cheese won't melt, then add the cheese and stir.

Lay out the egg roll wrappers and put about 1/3 cup of filling in a wrapper. Roll it up and put it on the cookie sheet and spray it with some spray oil. Poke a couple of holes in it for ventilation.

When you get all the rolls made, bake them for 15-20 minutes, depending on how browned you like them. You may want to flash them under the broiler for a minute or so also. After you take them out of the oven, cut them in half and let them cool. Very important! Let them cool before you bite in!

I'll update this with a picture the next time I make them. I warn you, though, they aren't especially pretty.

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